The ESL's fabulous Hogwarts adventure a story to tell the grandkids
by QueenOfShandanda
Summary: It was just an average day for the gang. Until it was not. Divination does that to you.


It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. Eva was just going inside the Hufflepuff common room when a terrible scream rang out from the first year's dormitory; she rushed in and was not that surprised to see Simon, the 6th year pervert, straddling the poor little Hannah Aboth:

"Simon, sit", she ordered him and when Simon refused, she warned "or should I go wake up Cecilia, who hasn't slept in two days, with a bucket of cold water, saying it was you?"

He shuddered and let go of the girl.

"Good boy", said Eva and patted him on the head. Simon made a go for her boobs, but she struck him with a severe spell of jelly legs: "but boobs...!" whined the freckled boy.

"I swear, Simon, your patronus must be a pig!" yawned Cecilia, the house prefect. They went out to join their friends in the Great Hall:

"- How was the surveillance last night, Cecilia-sama?

- Terrible, Caroline was trying to get into our common room again to feel Eva up.

- Again?! Damn those Gryffindors, but I can't really blame them for trying to touch the goodies..

- These are really nice goodies, though," said Simon with glazed eyes while Eva made a face of disgust.

"Did someone just say Gryffindor?" called a sassy voice; the trio turned around to see Sigrid and Solène, the Gryffindor star-batter and chaser, joined by the hip as always.

"Guys guys guys!" said Solène excitedly, "did you see the newest defense against the dark arts teacher? He's SO hot!"

"What happened to Mr. Gödige?" asked Cecilia while the brunette continued to ramble.

"He gave me bad grades and we hated each other, so I asked Simon to seduce him and then be caught. There can only be one queen in Hogwarts after all…" said Eva with a wicked grin. Cecilia and Sigrid looked horrified, Simon smug.

"… do you think he's gonna teach us how to create a patronus? I hope he does and that everybody bows down to my superiority when they discover I'm a fabulous stag!" continued Solène, not noticing nobody listened to her blabber.

"Fabulous stag? More like fabulous frog" whispered a giggling Sigrid to Simon as they walked in the Great Hall.

"WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?!" exclaimed Charlotte, the Ravenclaw chaser, at the gang's reserved place at the Hufflepuff table, the perfectly quiet and strategic table to eat at. Aymeric, the Slytherin prefect, was currently seated in front of her, stuffing his face with food and smiling at the retreating form of Victor, Slytherin's head-prefect, remains of cheese stuck in his braces. The group sat down on their banks while Eva scared some second years into getting her some milk to her awesomeness, Simon already wrapping his food in magical grease-less paper towels to snack on in Divination class : "or else, I don't think I'll ever survive Leporsche's boringness" he explained to Sigrid and a very interested Charlotte.

"So…" grinned Aymeric like the Cheshire cat, "who's ready for the big game? Gryffindor vs Slytherin, the old flame burns anew! Your bets?"

"No Aymeric, you are not convincing us to throw the game, we are gonna win no matter what" said Solène proudly.

"I never said anything about _you _losing; you know all my dirtiest spells already!"

"Aymeric!" choked Cecilia, "don't tell me you're thinking about making your house lose this time!"

"Calm your Hufflepuff tits, business is business and I regret nothing," claimed Aymeric.

"Umm, tits…" sighed Simon in his pumpkin juice.

"Alright, let's get to class before he starts humping furniture, although we do have Car of magical beings class, and I wouldn't cross out the possibility of you raping a hippogryph just yet…" sighed Eva as they left the Hall.

But as soon as they stepped outside, a terrible voice drawled on: "well well well, ladies, what do we have here?" It was the terrifying Marise, the squib janitor, pain-in-the-ass-extraordinaire. " 5 points from all four houses, ladies!"

"What?!" screamed Cecilia and Sigrid.

"Why?!" shouted Charlotte, Solène and Eva.

"Hey!" scoffed Aymeric and Simon.

"Oh, I'm sorry, correction: ladies and gays, you are being punished for overexposure to your peers of fabulousness."

"Well thanks guys" muttered Malfoy while passing near them.

"Shut up, you, nobody likes you" grunted Marise.

"Bitch please, I'm super popular."

"No you're not" said the whole school in unison.

"Strike that" continued Marise, " all 20 points come from Slytherin now."

Aymeric sobbed and whined: "But we were so close to winning the housecup…"

"Please" said Sigrid, "everybody with a brain knows Gryffindor is gonna win, just because they have the most fashionable colours."

"There are four houses in Hogwarts: Gryffindor, Gryffindor, Gryffindor and Slytherin. At the end of the year, Gryffindor wins the house cup" explained Solène.

"So that's why you guys are such jack-asses…" mused Cecilia. The Gryffs nodded. No regrets.


End file.
